I Went To Church Twice Today!!!

Today I went to church twice. You may say, "and", well, I have not done that this year. Taking care of my wife and working I was lucky to go to church twice a month. Before Dale became so sick I would go to church every chance I got. If the doors were open I would be there.

I kind of felt out of place because of not going very much lately. I know that the church is the place for me while I continue to ache and cry for my sweetheart. It was good to sing again. I sing tenor and miss the choir and all the singing we do in church. I was even asked to sing with the special music tonight because they knew that I did sing tenor. Well, one step at a time.

I tried to get into the sermons and concentrate but didn't have much luck. We had the Lord's Supper this morning and that was great as always. I love remembering Jesus and what He did on the cross for us all. We are His bride if we have put our faith in the gospel, and excepted His saving grace that He offers freely. And one glorious day He will come for His bride and we will meet Him in the air and forever be with Him.

 We will see Him then face to face, no more just remembering. We will behold His glory, the glory of the only begotten Son of God Himself. We will get to see those who have gone on before us and right now that sounds pretty good to. Come Lord Jesus!!!!

alight

I Marked Her Grave Today

I began looking for a grave stone within a week of my wife's death. I looked on the internet and went to the graveyard and looked at all the other stones before I settled on one for her grave. I wanted one that was smooth all over and shiny. I thought that I just wanted one that was gray because most in the graveyard were gray. I didn't want one that was too big or too small.

I went to a monument place to see if I could come up with a stone like I had in mind. As I walked around I spotted a stone that looked pink. Come to find out it was called pink granite from Canada. It was perfect. For the design I wanted to emphasize the love we had for each other. I chose one that had two wedding rings in the middle with roses on both sides. Dale loves pink, her wedding ring and roses.

Today I got the call that the stone was in place so I went to see it. As I began to drive 10 or 12 miles to the graveyard I begin to cry again. I am still waiting for time to start healing. When I got there I spotted the pink marker before I got out of my truck. It was so pretty and shiny. Taking my camera and a vase of flowers I walked up to the grave and set the vase down on the ledge. I got the vase for Dale on a Kenya mission trip. Little did I know that it would be a part of her monument at the time.

After taking a few pictures and praying and crying I stepped back and realized that it was perfect. I did a good job. I know that Dale is with the Lord now probably running the streets of gold. I know that she is out of pain and that all her tears have been wiped away. I know too that if the Lord does not come before I die that this will be my resting place too. Going to be with the Lord is something I would like to do right now. It is the dying part that I'm not crazy about.

But I am somewhat comforted knowing that a monument is set up for the most wonderful woman in the world, my sweetheart.

Come Lord Jesus.

alight 

Helping Others May Just Help Me

I was looking through a few business cards today and notice that the hospice social worker that was assigned to my wife and I also coordinated volunteer workers. It got me thinking that I may need to volunteer my help to someone else in need.

I do know what a lot are going through and I believe it would help me cope with myself. Sometimes people will need help with the smallest things that others take for granted. It took me 55 years but I now know how to do house chores and such. I can also do things outside the house like mow the lawn or rake leaves.

I learned a lot of "tricks" in moving people around without hurting them. I bet that there are some who just want some company. My wife loved for people to read to her when her eyes would not focus anymore. I noticed also that it was easy for people to talk about Jesus when they are near death and I love to talk about Jesus.

I needed someone to come over and stay with Dale for an hour at a time so I could run to town for things. I could sit with someone for a while. Volunteering my time, which I have a lot of these days, could turn out to be a new ministry for me. I've been told that I need to stay busy and I do enjoy helping people who can't help themselves.

alight

The Sun Did Rise Again!

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that my sweetheart left me to be with Jesus. I come to realize today a few things. I realized that I would give my 401k, my IRA, my savings, my pension and would sale all my property and give the money, all of it, for one more week with Dale.

I also realized that you could not give Dale a mansion in Beverly Hills, a billion dollar bank account and perfect health to come back to this world. I believe this with all my heart and I don't blame her one bit. She is Home now and I guess that I will just have to deal with it.

Maybe I am healing from all the sadness and grief and the other painful emotions that I have. Could it be that I will survive after all? This is the first day that I have not cried and mourned deeply for my sweetheart. Am I growing cold hearted? I don't think so. I believe I am healing. I actually smiled one time today thinking about trying to bribe Jesus into sending her back. ;-)

We will see.

alight

Holaday Are Not The Same Without Her

Today was my birthday. I turned 56 years old. I spent most of my birthday at work because I work 12 hour shifts. I don't really feel any older because I try to stay in good shape. But the truth is.....
that's old. If I were an oak tree, you couldn't even reach your arms around me. I dreaded coming home this evening because I knew it would be to an empty house with no presents or a cake. My sweetheart would never, never let me have a birthday without a cake and she sure could make a delicious cake. She would have had me a gift and it was always something special that she hand picked. She would make it a special day no matter how many hours I got to spend with her.

I left work and on the drive home I thought about how fussy she was about every holiday. Tears filled my eyes as I made the last turn down the road to my home. I so miss that girl! I got home and got busy moving all the warm weather plants in because it is suppose to be very cold in a day or so. The plants were hers and she has cared for them over the years. When we would bring them back out in the spring they would look so pretty and healthy. I will probably kill every single one of them.

Now I know more than ever that Dale made our house a home. I loved coming home to her. A lot of times I would walk in and she would ask me 5 questions about stuff before I would ever say a word. She did like to talk. How I miss all her questions. Oh how I miss listening to her talk to me or going around singing some song that most of the time she was making up as she goes. 

I cut on the television as soon as I can so I don't have to listen to the silence. Most of the time it will just be a Christian music channel. They say that music calms the savage beast and I guess it does. It does help me make it through the lonely evenings.

Now it is bed time. I have to get up early in the morning. I must go to that cold and lonely bedroom and try to go to sleep. It is nothing for me to go to bed at 8:00 and lay there awake until 12:00, one time recently it was 4:00 in the morning before I ever went to sleep. I am so tired from lack of sleep, from the constant tears, from the living in this world without Dale. 

I may be blogging this evening just stalling on going to bed. I got a birthday card from my sister that was special and a few messages from family and friends. That cheered me up some and I am thankful for every one. It is a good thing to have people who love you and are always there if I need them.

alight       

18 Days Later

It has been 18 days now and I still miss my sweetheart

so much. The only way I can keep from falling apart is to

be working or by staying real busy. Let me stop and think

about her and the tears begin to fall. Oh, how I miss her.

I think about her last month or two how she was so brave.

She would be hurting and still she would not complain. I was

so close to her that I knew when she needed to be in the 

bed resting but she wanted to be up with me just to spend

time with me. She would go out to Lake Davis and I knew 

she didn't feel like it. Oh, I wish that I could sit on the pier

again with her.I wish that I could just hold her again.

Everywhere I look in my home I can see Dale. From the 

paintings to the plants to all the little things that Dale liked

to decorate with I can see her. She did such a good job

of keeping our home a wonderful place to live. Now it is

a place of sadness, a place where the quietness is so 

deafening. And then Birdie calls out my name and it is 

Dale's voice. Oh, how I miss that girl.

I know that it has only been 18 days but tell me, when

will my heart stop breaking? When will the tears dry up? Will

I ever stop looking over at her stop on the coach and 

the knot in my throat not come up? I dread going to bed

tonight. It is so big and so cold and empty. 

"Dear Lord Jesus, have mercy on me. Touch my eyes

and dry up these tears. Reach down and touch my

broken heart and make it stop hurting. Please wrap

Your arms around me and give me comfort. Bless me,

I pray with Your presence so I will not feel so lonely."

alight 

He took her!

It has been 11 days now without the love of my life. Today I went for a run and cried and cried. Running without her is not the same. I keep wanting to look over to my side and see her there and she is not. I look up into the sky because she told me that she would be looking down and I cry some more.

I come home to an empty house and the tears start to pour again and again. When does time start to heal? I text my daughter and tell her how my day is going and I cry some more. I thought it helped to talk about it with loved ones or good friends. All that does is start the tears up again.

I stop by a furniture store about a problem I'm having with my new recliner and I see a Christian friend who ask me how it is going and I cry again. I man up and stop the tears but have to leave quickly before I completely break down. And I'm going back to work tonight for the first time since her death???

I lay down to get a nap before going to work, sometimes that helps me make it through the night. Guess what? Laying in OUR bed is almost more than I can bare. I jumped up and left the bedroom, tears a streaming, and now it is almost an hour later and they are still falling. When do you run out of tears?

Why did He have to take her? Didn't He know that I would be lost without her? Didn't He know that my heart would be broken? In Heaven you are happy and full of joy. How can she be looking down and seeing me in such pain and be happy?

I'm sorry. I just needed to tell someone how much I am hurting. Maybe going to work will take my mind off of her for a while.

I miss you Dale!

alight

Who was Marian Dale Davis?

Who was Marian Dale Davis? 

 She loved to sing.

 She was a great cook.

She could swim like a fish.

She was a wonderful mother.

She was the best wife a man could ask for. 

 She was a dog lover.

She loved her son-in-law.

She was an incredible runner.

She was a perfect house keeper.

She could make beautiful afghan blankets.

She loved flowers.

She loved her grandbaby.

She treasured get well cards.

She was knock down gorgeous.

She was her daughter's very best friend.

She was so funny.

She was warm and soft.

She cared for others over herself.

She was the strong one in our marriage.

She was psychic, I couldn't get away with anything.

She loved me. 

She loved her Jesus.

She was one special lady.

She will be missed by everyone. 

She will never have to suffer pain again. 

alight

 

Goodbye My Sweetheart

 

Today has been the saddest day of my life. My sweetheart of 37 plus years lost her battle with breast cancer and has gone to be with her Lord. She was in this battle for 6 1/2 years. For the last 6 months or so she was in pain. Sometimes the pain was so out of control but for the last month or so we came up with a pain medicine that really worked well. Oh, she still had her bad days but she was so tough.

Dale had told me time after time that she was ready to go to Heaven and to be with Jesus. She was told like 3 months ago that there was nothing else the doctors could do for her. They told her that she was dying and to get everything in order. Well, for the most important things she needed to get in order she already had taken care of and that is putting her trust in the saving power of Jesus Christ.

Because of her faith in Jesus I know that I feel much better about letting her go. It will be so tough but now I can look forward to seeing her again in Glory. Dale is not in pain anymore. Now she can run and run and run, which was her passion here on earth. She had won tons of road races in her running career. She was also my running partner and I will miss running with her.

She was my sweetheart, a wonderful mother, a good friend and my other half. I will not be the same but I am hoping that the difference that she made in my life will live on. I love that girl and am glad that I told her so many times. I know she loved me too.

alight 

What A Dark Night This Is

For the past several months I have watch and prayed for a miracle of God on my wife's life. Her cancer is getting the best of her now. I have brought her home to take care of her in her last days here on Earth. I have hospice coming by to check her vitals and give me pain medicine to give to her. The medicine is now working most of the time. She went through several months of suffering.

I am trying to work 2 days a week if I can get someone to come sit with her. I work 12 hour shifts so that can be difficult. I do not want to put her in a nursing home but will not hold it against anyone who does use one. Some days I feel that I just can't make it. She needs constant care and the house needs constant care and the outside needs constant care and so on.

I have put this year on hold so that I can care for my sweetheart of over 37 years. No mission trips, hardly ever get to go play golf and I don't know how long it's been when I fished last. Deer season with the bow and arrow starts this weekend but I will not be going. When you are almost 56 years old you don't want to miss out on too many years.

Dale and I had our prayer time together tonight and she sounded like she was already There and I felt a million mile away from the One I was talking to. I admitted it to the Lord and asked Him to draw me up close. We need Him now more than ever. What a dark day it is when you feel a long way away from the Lord. I am restless and uneasy. I could easily have a panic attack and start crying.

His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us and I believe that. I trust that I will feel His closeness soon. I will wait upon the Lord.

alight