Overwhelmed

There comes a time in most of our lives that we become overwhelmed because of situations going on that at the time we feel is out of our control. It happened to me a couple times while I took care of my dying wife. It is a feeling that comes over you like a huge wave. It starts to build and build until it comes crashing down upon you. I went to the home of a lady who is caregiver of her grandmother the other day. I had never been here before and wanted them to know who I am and what I could offer them as a volunteer for the hospice company I go through. She was a nice enough lady and "granny" was also. Granny was 92 and more or less stayed in bed all of the time. I told the granddaughter that what I do is stay with the patient while the caregiver has a chance to get out to pay bills, buy food or whatever. I could see in her eyes that she did not know about leaving her granny in the house with this man. The bars automatically went up and from then on it was just small talk. I knew what was going on and tried to think of a way to get through to her that I will be helpful and needed in her life. I remembered the time one evening when I was so overwhelmed with caring for my wife knowing she was dying right there before me that I really thought that I would stroke out and drop dead right there in my living room. I couldn't talk so I text a lady friend to see if she could come over for a little while. She texted back and ask when and I said NOW! The lady was walking in my door in 10 minutes. That means she dropped what she was doing and broke a few speeding laws on the way over. As she walked in I walked out, never saying a word. I went out to the lake and sat and prayed for 30 minutes until the feelings past. I began to tell the granddaughter that there will be times in caring for granny that she will become overwhelmed. That was all it took. The lights in her eyes came on and it was obvious that she had already been there. Down comes the bars and out comes the notepad and pen for me to write my cell number down. She then began to tell me how often she could use someone like me. The bible says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6 God is always there for us. We have His number on speed dial. We have His word that whenever we need Him He is a prayer away. On that day that I became anxious/overwhelmed about the situation and it caused me to cry out for help and on that day God sent an angel to my rescue. alight

My Days Are Numbered

The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away. Psalm 90:10 (King James Version) Tomorrow I will be going to another funeral. She was a dear friend for many years to both Dale and me. Cindy and Dale came down with cancer about the same time but Cindy's was brain cancer. She had it removed once but it came back? She was 59. Dale and I have been praying for Cindy for years. We went to the same church back in the 70s and early 80s. Although we began to go to different churches we would still see each other in stores and such and kept up with each other. I work at the same company as her husband. As I read Psalm 90:10 I am reminded that our days are numbered here on this Earth. OK, lets see, I am 56 years old and three score and ten (if my calculus is right) is 70 years. Now 70 minus 56 is 14 years. Now I know we can give or take specially if we are already 70! Hmm, 14 years, I need to be busy about the Lord's business. Time seems to fly by faster the older you get. I look at it this way, there is a lot I can get done in 14 years. If I looked at it like 14 years is not very long I could get depressed and just sit back and wine. I am excited at the opportunity to serve our Lord for the rest of my life no matter how long that might be. But I am aware that every day counts and plan on making the most of them. alight

Hiking the Grand Canyon

A dream of mine for a long time has been to hike across the Grand Canyon. This year on my second try I received the permit to hike and camp in the Grand Canyon. I am a planner. Once I set my mind on doing something I start to plan and plan and plan. While I routed my way across the canyon and out to the other side I figured I might as well turn around and hike back, see it from both angles. I have bought my tent, sleeping bag, sleeping pad, backpack, boots and a few other things I will need. As of this date I have already hiked a 11 miler and a 10.5 miler with many more hiking trips planned to get me in shape. On my mission trips in Africa I have hiked from hut to hut all day long so I know that I can do this. The difference being I will be caring a 35 to 40 pound pack. I have been running for 28 years too so I will be ready. My last hike was at Montgomery Bell State Park in Burns Tennessee. The MB trail was 10.5 miles around the park. I had gone 2/3 of the way around the park when I came out into a clearing where there was 2 buildings. One was a church and the other a home. Well, they were both old and in good shape. I went into the church and noticed the floors were stone and also the walls. It was nice and cool on this warm day and so I rested there. No one else was around so I began to sing. The acoustics was so great that I though even I sounded good. For the next 30 minutes or so I had a time singing to the Lord. I call them love songs, some may call them hymns. I can't wait to hike the MB trail again so I can stop by the church for a while. Some of you may know that I have had a lot of stress and heartache lately. I didn't that day! alight

I'm Withering Away!

Well, I've lost 11 pounds. (In England if someone said he lost 11 pounds would everyone Be looking on the ground for money? I'm thinking out loud!) For the past 3 months, 1 day, 11 hours and 38 minutes I have not had an appetite. Thus the losing of weight. I could stand to lose a few pounds so health wise I am doing OK. I hardly ever eat lunch anymore and never eat out of boredom. I was reading 1 Peter chapter 2 1-3 today and it made me think of the spiritual hunger I once had for the Word of God. All the goings on of this past year has drained me of an appetite for most everything. Unfortunately my hunger for reading and studying the bible has also suffered. (I can't believe I'm telling you this! Thinking out loud again.) We are studying at church on Sunday nights about protecting ourselves from the evil one by reading the bible, spending time in prayer and trusting in the power of God. I am in good company and feel sure the hunger will return soon. I admit I am ashamed of my present situation and look forward to the day that I kiss my bible after every reading out of love for that Book. Alight

Marian "Dale" Davis

 

Today I added the 2 vases with flowers to my sweetheart's grave. I bought these 2 vases for Dale when I was in Kenya last year on a mission trip. They were handmade and I knew that she would love them. Well, she did and they were displayed in our home. Little did we know that they were to be used on her grave. I picked out pink, her favorite color, flowers for the vases. She would have loved the flowers.

As I sat back and admired the new addition, those ole tears which I had hoped had dried up begin to flow. I had not cried in 3 days. You just had to know Dale. She was so special and I miss her so much still. I had a time of prayer and let Jesus know that I can't wait til I get to come and join her in heaven.

In case you don't know, I am a runner and most everyday I look up on my runs and think of the glorious day when Jesus comes back for His church and we see Him in the clouds. I can't help but say out loud, "Come Lord Jesus". Well, these days when I look up I think of Dale looking down, keeping a watch over me like she said that she would. I realized that I had changed what I was saying when I looked up. Now I am saying, "I love you Dale and I miss you so much." 

I hope soon that I will go back to asking for Jesus' return. 

alight

I Went To Church Twice Today!!!

Today I went to church twice. You may say, "and", well, I have not done that this year. Taking care of my wife and working I was lucky to go to church twice a month. Before Dale became so sick I would go to church every chance I got. If the doors were open I would be there.

I kind of felt out of place because of not going very much lately. I know that the church is the place for me while I continue to ache and cry for my sweetheart. It was good to sing again. I sing tenor and miss the choir and all the singing we do in church. I was even asked to sing with the special music tonight because they knew that I did sing tenor. Well, one step at a time.

I tried to get into the sermons and concentrate but didn't have much luck. We had the Lord's Supper this morning and that was great as always. I love remembering Jesus and what He did on the cross for us all. We are His bride if we have put our faith in the gospel, and excepted His saving grace that He offers freely. And one glorious day He will come for His bride and we will meet Him in the air and forever be with Him.

 We will see Him then face to face, no more just remembering. We will behold His glory, the glory of the only begotten Son of God Himself. We will get to see those who have gone on before us and right now that sounds pretty good to. Come Lord Jesus!!!!

alight

I Marked Her Grave Today

I began looking for a grave stone within a week of my wife's death. I looked on the internet and went to the graveyard and looked at all the other stones before I settled on one for her grave. I wanted one that was smooth all over and shiny. I thought that I just wanted one that was gray because most in the graveyard were gray. I didn't want one that was too big or too small.

I went to a monument place to see if I could come up with a stone like I had in mind. As I walked around I spotted a stone that looked pink. Come to find out it was called pink granite from Canada. It was perfect. For the design I wanted to emphasize the love we had for each other. I chose one that had two wedding rings in the middle with roses on both sides. Dale loves pink, her wedding ring and roses.

Today I got the call that the stone was in place so I went to see it. As I began to drive 10 or 12 miles to the graveyard I begin to cry again. I am still waiting for time to start healing. When I got there I spotted the pink marker before I got out of my truck. It was so pretty and shiny. Taking my camera and a vase of flowers I walked up to the grave and set the vase down on the ledge. I got the vase for Dale on a Kenya mission trip. Little did I know that it would be a part of her monument at the time.

After taking a few pictures and praying and crying I stepped back and realized that it was perfect. I did a good job. I know that Dale is with the Lord now probably running the streets of gold. I know that she is out of pain and that all her tears have been wiped away. I know too that if the Lord does not come before I die that this will be my resting place too. Going to be with the Lord is something I would like to do right now. It is the dying part that I'm not crazy about.

But I am somewhat comforted knowing that a monument is set up for the most wonderful woman in the world, my sweetheart.

Come Lord Jesus.

alight 

Helping Others May Just Help Me

I was looking through a few business cards today and notice that the hospice social worker that was assigned to my wife and I also coordinated volunteer workers. It got me thinking that I may need to volunteer my help to someone else in need.

I do know what a lot are going through and I believe it would help me cope with myself. Sometimes people will need help with the smallest things that others take for granted. It took me 55 years but I now know how to do house chores and such. I can also do things outside the house like mow the lawn or rake leaves.

I learned a lot of "tricks" in moving people around without hurting them. I bet that there are some who just want some company. My wife loved for people to read to her when her eyes would not focus anymore. I noticed also that it was easy for people to talk about Jesus when they are near death and I love to talk about Jesus.

I needed someone to come over and stay with Dale for an hour at a time so I could run to town for things. I could sit with someone for a while. Volunteering my time, which I have a lot of these days, could turn out to be a new ministry for me. I've been told that I need to stay busy and I do enjoy helping people who can't help themselves.

alight

The Sun Did Rise Again!

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that my sweetheart left me to be with Jesus. I come to realize today a few things. I realized that I would give my 401k, my IRA, my savings, my pension and would sale all my property and give the money, all of it, for one more week with Dale.

I also realized that you could not give Dale a mansion in Beverly Hills, a billion dollar bank account and perfect health to come back to this world. I believe this with all my heart and I don't blame her one bit. She is Home now and I guess that I will just have to deal with it.

Maybe I am healing from all the sadness and grief and the other painful emotions that I have. Could it be that I will survive after all? This is the first day that I have not cried and mourned deeply for my sweetheart. Am I growing cold hearted? I don't think so. I believe I am healing. I actually smiled one time today thinking about trying to bribe Jesus into sending her back. ;-)

We will see.

alight

Holaday Are Not The Same Without Her

Today was my birthday. I turned 56 years old. I spent most of my birthday at work because I work 12 hour shifts. I don't really feel any older because I try to stay in good shape. But the truth is.....
that's old. If I were an oak tree, you couldn't even reach your arms around me. I dreaded coming home this evening because I knew it would be to an empty house with no presents or a cake. My sweetheart would never, never let me have a birthday without a cake and she sure could make a delicious cake. She would have had me a gift and it was always something special that she hand picked. She would make it a special day no matter how many hours I got to spend with her.

I left work and on the drive home I thought about how fussy she was about every holiday. Tears filled my eyes as I made the last turn down the road to my home. I so miss that girl! I got home and got busy moving all the warm weather plants in because it is suppose to be very cold in a day or so. The plants were hers and she has cared for them over the years. When we would bring them back out in the spring they would look so pretty and healthy. I will probably kill every single one of them.

Now I know more than ever that Dale made our house a home. I loved coming home to her. A lot of times I would walk in and she would ask me 5 questions about stuff before I would ever say a word. She did like to talk. How I miss all her questions. Oh how I miss listening to her talk to me or going around singing some song that most of the time she was making up as she goes. 

I cut on the television as soon as I can so I don't have to listen to the silence. Most of the time it will just be a Christian music channel. They say that music calms the savage beast and I guess it does. It does help me make it through the lonely evenings.

Now it is bed time. I have to get up early in the morning. I must go to that cold and lonely bedroom and try to go to sleep. It is nothing for me to go to bed at 8:00 and lay there awake until 12:00, one time recently it was 4:00 in the morning before I ever went to sleep. I am so tired from lack of sleep, from the constant tears, from the living in this world without Dale. 

I may be blogging this evening just stalling on going to bed. I got a birthday card from my sister that was special and a few messages from family and friends. That cheered me up some and I am thankful for every one. It is a good thing to have people who love you and are always there if I need them.

alight